Monday, January 9, 2012

Mom, I Love you. RIP 1-9-2004

8 years ago today I did the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life.  I had to leave my mommy in the hospital knowing I would never ever touch or see her again. Very rarely do I think about that day. A moment I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I would break in a way that I would never fully recover from.  I can still feel the terror when I realized that the nurses weren't going to take her body away but I was going to have to actually stand up and walk out of the room..with her still in it.  I wish no living being to ever have to experience that.  Yet while I cant imagine anything being harder I have also yet to experience anything more beautiful than the almost tangible serenity and peace of my mom passing away. Ever the diva, she would come to if only to make sure her hair was brushed and her skin was properly lotioned.  She left this earth the same way she came in....a beautiful ray of sunshine. 

I left my mother's side only one night the 9 days she was hospitalized. After the first few days of trying to grasp what was happening there was nothing to say but I love you. I said it every time she looked at me...over and over until she would blink or squeeze my hand.  Every time I thought she might be able to hear me, I would whisper it in her ear.  I even woke her up a few times just tell her.  Not that I didn't think she knew because I know she did but it was all I had left. Those three little words were all I had and I wanted to imprint them on her spirit...I needed her to take them with her. Those three little words were the only thing that got me out that room. I chanted them in my mind with each step away. They were my very last words to her and her very last words to me.  They are the only words I would kill to say to her just one more time.  She's been gone 8 years and I still cant say it enough. 
I love you momma.