Sunday, June 29, 2008

My first week

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Friday, June 27, 2008

Washing Hair Tips from AfroNiquely You

Washing Your Hair

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This is a cool new site. Just the information I need! My hair is loving cowashing. I never heard of it before 2 weeks ago.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Going out in public

My baby is not home and I cant sleep.

I'm supposed to have lunch tomorrow with an old coworker downtown. I am debating wearing the instaweave. I've gone to the store and been out and about town just fine but I haven't actually seen anyone I know yet. Not to mention Char is white. Doing the candle party with my family and friends is one thing but going downtown where most of my old white coworkers will be. I don't know that I want to deal with the 'can I touch it' or explaining the process or just the initial 'Good-googly-moogly girl you cut your hair!!' I practically had to hold press conferences every time I changed my hair style when I worked there.

I's time to put my big girl panties on and deal....but they some big azz panties...LOL

I washed my hair tonight because I put too much stuff in it and made up the spritz of glycerin, suave strawberry moisturizing conditioner and water. I saturated my hair with it and the washed and conditioned my hair with the keracare products the stylist gave me and put alittle grapseed oil in after towel drying. I couldnt remember if I was supposed to redo the spritz after washing or in the am so I am leaving it alone. Well after doing a cowash last week I can definately say that my hair feels alot softer doing the cowash. I think I will stick with that for now.

I have been stalking the boards over at today...well now yesterday. There is just so much information and support. I got caught up in the mental aspect of cutting off my hair going natural thing. This journey is so much more than hair I'm realizing. I have to get to the point where I can look in the mirror.....regardless of my hair......and say "Do you babygirl"....which I didnt realize I couldnt do. I have to fall in love with me all over again. You know I get that "I am not my hair" song stuck in my head alot but I dont think its true. I am very much my hair and I can be beautiful whether my hair is in an intsy wentsy fro or down my back. Getting to that space will be longer journey...the senic route if you will. Which is funny given that i full heartedly believe that I am beautiful whether my azz is a size 30 or 18. LOLOL

My daddy called and had a few more little digs to add about my lack of hair. I started to get all defensive but then I was like no. I dont need to justify this to him or anyone really. I want my hair to be long and healthy AND natural. These naps were God's intent for us from day 1 and I've got to learn to be ok and accept and praise what is. Thats a pretty powerful thing for me to realize. God made the first black person with nappy hair and the last one on this earth will have it too. There is nothing lacking or shameful about it.

Okay I am rambling now. Let me take my butt to bed.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Sybill is Back

I have felt every emotion today. I look at myself in the mirror and see me and/or a stranger. I still dont know if I like what I see but understand that too is part of the journey. The thot of seeing my daddy in person is not working for me. Plus I have a Partylight candle party on Saturday and really dont know if I can handle the attention. (a shock to my Leo sensibilities). I promised I would wear my hair out for a week before I would think about covering it. Although I have been watching videos on youtube on how to wrap your head. Though what in the world would I look like like that???

Ive only cried once and have managed to go out in public twice. Ms Grace put stuff in my hair to make it curl yesterday and said all i had to do was wet it and it would curl right back. WRONG. I ordered the milkshake stuff from Curls last night. I hope it works for me like the ladies on Youtube.

I can't believe how scared I am to fool with my hair. It's insane!...Plus I already know it's not my strong suit but it's not like I can mess up much now is it?...LOL I bought suave coconut conditioner, shea butter, olive oil, glycerine and jojoba oil and cant see past my double chin, gray hairs and big azz cheeks AND I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT TO DO WITH MY HEAD!!!!! I want to make my own natural product so I will mix that tomorrow and try and set a regimine.

I've got damn near 40 years of hair ignorance to overcome....and I was dumb as a bucket of rocks to start with. But to even know what natural hair is supposed to feel like when you have been conditioned to think it is so horrible. I have to say I like the way it feels. I think I may too much stuff in it now.

DH says its great but he always says that. His first words were "neat" and this is a good thing we want your hair healthy. While it is great he is so supportive of everything I do I am a bit fragile and really needed hear was 'You're beautiful' or some malarky like that. LOL He keeps looking at me strange but then I guess out of allll the weaves and pieces I've had through the years this is the most drastic. Plus my timing isnt the best. Jev goes for Freshman orientation tomorrow and leaves for the summer program at NKU on the 7th. We've had to borrow alittle money from my daddy for that. I havent asked my daddy for jack since I got married. That was rough. My baby leaving the nest is stressing us out. Maybe my hair is the only thing I have the slightest bit of control of.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

It is finished

I did it. I woke up yesterday and said if the girls visit went through (mom has not shown the past 3) then I would use my 3 hours to get my hair chopped. Well when the caseworker called and said to bring the girls I said...well let me try to get it braided first...LOLOL! So I drove around and called the places I had seen and not one shop was open or answering phones. So I went to Ms Grace and said cut all the bad hair off.

I did'nt burst into tears when I first saw myself. I took that as a good sign. My first thought was 'wow..those are some big cheeks.' then 'wow, I got alot of gray'. I dont know. My son hates it. He was sooo mortified the boy called my DADDY to tell him so he could yell at me. My daddy is old school. He called and asked why would I do a fool thing like that and told me DH would leave me for sure when he saw it. Mind you he hasnt actually SEEN me yet.

I keep looking into the mirror and saying "This is me. Im ok" I love the way it feels. Its going to take some time. I have to admit while I was out yesterday with the girls I didnt pay any attention and almost forgot my hair was gone. Im trying to get up the gumption to post pics.

Monday, June 23, 2008

The Loud Silence Of Feminists

I don't think I can respond to this without sounding like the racist I think I already am.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

2nd Try

Well I twisted again. Much better I think. At least there are more of them. After looking at the pictures I didnt realize just how jacked up the back of my head is. It hasnt looked this bad since it first fell out. There are at least 3 different lengths back there. You can really see the different textures in the third pic...and the freakin gray....Good googly moogly when did I get all THAT!!I wonder if I am doing more damage trying to hold on to it than not. Im about 3 steps away from full blown panic.


Well the twist came out, as some of you probably expected, looking more like very loose waves. But now I see the potential. I have it up in a makeshift french roll and feel ok to go out in public. I will redo it tonight with smaller twist and see what happens. I dont think there is anything that can be done for the back. I will take some pics later to show.

I really dig the Jamacian wax creme. My hair is so soft and not greasy feeling at all.

Im tellin ya I am soooo tempted to go get it cut off tomorrow I just dont know what to do. I will have to wait until I get enough new growth all around for a TWA because I wont be able to do anything with it. I am trying to imagine all this face with no hair. Its a scurry thot.

From this day forward

I have wanted to go natural and loc for several years now but have never had the guts. My husband of 8 years, who is white, doesn't understand the problem. He says I'm acting like I'm getting a boob job. Its just hair. I a point. I want to do it. I love the look. I am tired of the chemicals. I don't want my hair to define me but I do want it to say that I am ok with me...naturally. I am tired of being afraid of my hair. Yet I feel like I am on top of the cliff about to bungee jump for the first time.

The transition of not having any hair terrified me. Im a big girl.. bald and double chin mother would roll over in her grave! LOL Then I got micros for about a year and ended up with an "Afro" that hit the top of the door when I walked through. Sadly I didn't know how to handle it and felt like I couldn't go to my corporate job looking like a foxy brown wannabe so I wore a hairpiece for about a week and got it relaxed. Oh I how i regret that now.

Currently I am a stay at home mom with a son starting college and fostering 2 little girls (1 &3). Its been almost 3 months since I last used the creamy crack. I do the 3yr olds natural hair and see how manageable and beautiful it is and it is all i want her to know. I know in my heart its time for me. The stars are almost in line. The back of my head is full of naps while the front is straight. I cant find a soul to even braid my hair now. LOL!! So I will try to manage what I have until it works. I know I wont relax again. I refuse to spend $200+ to get micros or twist. I will loc or I will tough it out.

A woman on inspired me to just try to twist my hair to see what happens. I did it!! and its been an hour and its still holding together. I so suck at hair so this is a major accomplishment for me! Now I wouldn't be caught dead in public but its a start. I look a hot mess or my son says like Coolio but I'm excited. I washed it with Carol's Daughter Rosemary Sea Moss shampoo and left in VO5 Tea Tree conditioner then used Jamaican Mango & Lime locking creme wax to twist. I know I should of made them smaller now. I have no clue what to do with the back. There are so many different lengths and textures back there. Not to mention I cant reach it and my hands are too big for that length.

Up until a couple of years ago I always had thick full shoulder length hair. Then fertility drugs made my diabetes go haywire and center back of my hair fell out. When I got the micros put in they filled in very nicely but as soon as I put the creamy crack on it has been going to hell in a handbasket. Anyways. There is a big chunk of hair on the left that is completely natural and so soft. I am just amazed. I almost wish it was all that way so I could figure out what to do. Ive been obsessed with youtube videos of women who did the BC. I am feeling uncomfortable in my own hair these days and want to just do it. How bold would that be??? I don't know if I can be that kind of woman but damn if I don't want to be one.

Sweet dreams